One Year Later

Hello everyone!

My last post on here was dated November 5, 2015.. I told you all the wonderful news of Jordan’s test results coming back as “much improved” and that I wasn’t going to take any more breaks from writing my story. I just knew that God had a plan for us and I couldn’t wait to continue sharing our story..

Then my brother and sister-in-law announced they were pregnant..and then not long after that they had lost their sweet little baby.

My last saved post on here was dated November 18, 2015…I was halfway writing it when I closed my computer, sat the computer down and until just now, stopped blogging. I was tired of writing about nothing but sad and devastating situations going on in my family..

Now here I am writing… one last post in this blog..

In February 2016, Jordan and I decided that we would just stop trying for a baby. We were tired of the heartbreak. We decided that if we didn’t magically become pregnant by August of 2016, we would start looking into getting IVF. We were especially heartbroken during this time because my sister-in-law, just two months previously, told me of a dream she had. She said she saw this green statue with the words “For this baby we have prayed in October” written on it. Besides Jordan and God, no one knew how desperately I wanted an October baby. I know that sounds silly when you have been trying for three years to have a baby, but I wanted a baby born in the fall. It was just a desire of mine that I kept to myself because of how ridiculous it sounded. But..here comes my sister-in-law telling me this dream. I just knew right then and there that God told her I would be pregnant by February because that would give me my long desired October baby…

Then February came…

Now although all of this sounds like it’s going to be a sad story, believe me, it’s not.

On February 28th, I remember looking at my husband as he walked from the kitchen and saying, “I think I’m pregnant.” Now that seemed silly to the both of us at the time, but I thought about the way I felt that day for the next 2 weeks. I couldn’t shake that feeling.

On Friday, March 11, 2016, I was heading to work as usual. I turned on the radio as I was pulling into Dunkin’ Donuts to get a coffee only to hear the man on the other end say that today is the day that the fountains in Savannah turn green ( I live near Savannah, if you were wondering). Savannah is known for their St. Patricks Day Parade and the fountains always turn green, along with the statues within those fountains, every single year one week before St. Patricks Day. My immediate thought went back to my sister-in-law’s dream…The statue was green. I paid for my coffee and for the person behind me (for good measure) haha. I drove to work and pulled into the Walgreens across the street to buy a pregnancy test. I had no symptoms of being pregnant and my cycle wasn’t supposed to start for 4 more days…but I couldn’t shake this feeling! I purchased the tests ($17 by the way..holy moly Walgreens), got in my car and drove to work. I remember talking to myself and saying that I would just wait until tomorrow to test so that I could get the FMU, especially testing this early. Then I remember telling myself that I just wasted $17 and that it’s probably just a stupid feeling.. then it happened.

For 3 years, every single time I would go to take a pregnancy test, I would ask God to just tell me if I was pregnant or not as I waited for those lines to show up..Every time I heard the words no. Sure enough, I never was. This day was different. I heard God say yes.

I ran inside, clocked in and immediately went to the bathroom, pregnancy test in hand.

All I could do was sob when the test in my hand immediately showed two pink lines.

 

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If you deal with infertility, you know how you make all these plans to tell your spouse that you are pregnant each month? I had so many ideas before this moment! Instead I called him, asked him to go somewhere private and sent him this picture. He called me sobbing..it was perfect!

The bracelet that I have that says baby ball was a bracelet made by a wonderful friend one week prior purchased in faith! How great is our God!

I ran into the office, told my coworkers that I had to go and I left! I drove home, took the second test and once it came back positive, Jordan and I were off. We drove home and told our families and it was just the most perfect day! I can still remember the joy as if it was yesterday..

Over the next nine months, I allowed the enemy to get inside my head.. I thought something was going to go wrong the entire pregnancy..I was wrong. I let Satan steal my joy over a perfect pregnancy..I am sad about that. What I’m not sad about is that November 17, 2016, Jordan and I welcomed the most beautiful and perfect baby girl, Charlee Elizabeth Ball..1 year and 1 day after my last saved blog post.

 

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To make things even sweeter, my brother and his wife welcomed a beautiful baby girl, Hadley Grace Wilcox, on December 19, 2016. Two sweet miracles get to grow up together!

As I sit here and watch my beautiful little girl play with her daddy on the floor, I can’t help but smile at the way God works things out for the good in our lives. He takes devastation and makes our wildest dreams come true if we trust Him to do so.

This new journey in life has taught me so much..but one thing stands out more than most.

God loves me more than I love her..and that’s more love than I can even fathom..

Well Hello There…

It’s been a little over three months since my last post. The reasoning behind my absence hasn’t been because of a lack of something to say…no, no, no..trust me, I have much to say. …but because to truly get away from everything meant I needed to take a break..

So I did..

I told myself at least three months..

If you remember, back in June my husband and I were told by the urologist that we had “unexplained” infertility. All of his tests and scans came back fine and he couldn’t figure out or pin point exactly what could be causing my husband to have so many issues. We were also told that with 0% normal morphology, it was IMPOSSIBLE for fertilization to occur.

Impossible..something I, as a Christian, have come to know has an implied “without God” attached to it.

I had done some research and I mentioned that my husband was taking a workout supplement that had an extremely high dose of caffeine in it. I wanted to know if it could be the explanation we were looking for. I was told that, more than likely, it’s not what was causing my husband’s issues. His reasoning behind that statement is, simply, because he had never heard of caffeine causing that much damage..

If any of you know the process of sperm production in males, you know that it takes three months to regenerate a new “batch” of sperm. Jordan was told to stop taking the supplement immediately and in three months, have another semen analysis performed. If the results were the same as the last two times, our hopes of having a child the natural way would be gone.

So, we stopped trying for the next three months. We stopped charting. We stopped with the ovulation tests and scheduled sex sessions. I stopped writing about our journey. We spent the next three months getting our marriage back from the destruction that infertility can cause…it was honestly the best thing that we could have done.

Now..three months later…

We bought a house! We moved into our brand new home in a small, little subdivision outside of the city. We moved in at the end of August and making my house into a home has kept me busy even to this day. I love my new home and I can’t wait to see how God transforms this place over the years…

I’ve also lost about 15-20 pounds…which was necessary if Jordan and I should decide that IVF treatment is the way we want to proceed. You have to be within a certain BMI in order to have the treatment performed, which is a great excuse for me to get my lazy tail off the couch. I still have a ways to go, but I feel so much better and more confident..

I was given a raise and brought on full time at my job! With that comes much more responsibility and work has definitely been keeping me busy..which is good..I just need to keep busy..

My baby sister got engaged and I was asked to be the matron of honor. She will be getting married next year in June and I couldn’t be happier for her and her future husband!

Jordan and I went on a cruise as a late anniversary getaway. It was Jordan’s first cruise and we went with some amazing people. We definitely made memories that will forever last a lifetime.

I went on a ladies retreat with our women’s ministry on my birthday this year. During the retreat, I asked for prayer for my situation and I opened up about the struggles that Jordan and I have been facing. It’s amazing how supportive the group of women are at our church and how lucky I am to have them in my life.

We got a new dog! Jordan has known for years that I’ve wanted a goldendoodle (golden retriever/ standard poodle mix) but purchasing one has been way out of our budget. He surprised me with an early Christmas present at the beginning of October and now we have all of the fur babies we need

…and that’s a brief summary of the events that have happened in my life while we have waited..

I went to my OB/GYN for my annual check up at the end of September. She went over all of my lab work and told me how “perfect” my tests were. She exclaimed how my body seemed to be made “specifically” to have children. She reviewed Jordan’s scans with me, also, and told me how she was also skeptical of caffeine intake being the reasoning behind his problems. She told me that even with my wonderful test results, our only option seemed to be IVF. Jordan’s semen analysis was in three days. I told her I would let her know the results.

Fast forward to two weeks later…Jordan sends me an email with the title, “It Actually Worked!”…and it did…

Printed on the fax from the doctor to my husband were the words..”Much Improved!”
Jordan’s results all came back completely in normal range!! It’s the first time since we have been on this journey that we have cried happy tears! We know what was causing our problems and we are now able to conceive on our own!

Our journey basically starts over this month. It takes the average couple 1 year to conceive and we are on month 1..We are over the moon about the miracles God has done in our situation

..and I know for a fact he isn’t done with us yet!

I’m back everyone!! And this time, I’m not going anywhere :)..

God Bless

The Fat Me

Just like many have heard about the Freshman Fifteen, many people have heard about the Marriage Thirty. It’s not quite as clever as the Freshman Fifteen, of course, but that’s beside the point. Before I got married, I was in very good shape. I was thin and I was happy..

Let’s reverse back to before I met my husband…

I started college right out of high school. I didn’t gain that Freshman Fifteen because I worked out around 5 times a day and watched what I ate and drank constantly. If I did decide to splurge, I would pop a few laxatives and go workout until I was sure that I had burned off all of the calories. I was borderline bulimic and I hated every single thing about my body. I would stand in front of my bathroom mirror for hours looking at every single bump, dimple, and scar and take note of it in my head. It would keep me awake at night and many times I would get out of bed to do crunches or push ups. I would pray to God that He would allow me to just wake up and be the perfect image that I had of myself in my head. I was mentally sick…

But, mentally sick or not, I was very thin and athletic looking. If someone ever talked about how skinny I was, I was on cloud nine. That was my goal in life. I NEEDED to be thin. I don’t blame society or my daddy issues on why I was the way that I was. I blame the fact that I didn’t have the relationship with God that I needed.

When Jordan and I met, I remained thin throughout our relationship. I gained about ten pounds in the year span before our marriage, but it was almost necessary in order for me to look healthy. I’m thankful for Jordan and for God for getting me away from the self loathing person that I used to be.

I had heard about the Marriage Thirty.. but I never in a million years would have ever thought that I would gain that much weight. I figured that I would get comfortable and gain a few pounds.

Until I did…and then some more.

I don’t know what happened honestly. My life flashed before my eyes and I just began to get bigger and bigger. With us being on the road all the time and he and I working odd hours and odd jobs, eating fast, cheap food was almost necessary and going to the gym became almost impossible. I had gained thirty pounds in 6 months…

Fast forward to two years later. I’m bigger than I’ve ever been. Am I obese..not even close. Am I fat…Absolutely! I know what I look like. It’s no secret to me that I don’t look the way that I used to…and apparently it’s not a secret to anyone else, either. It’s hard for me to even go back home now without me overhearing someone talk about the fact that I gained so much weight. It’s hard keeping the old me from creeping back in and destroying my body in the process of making it what the world says it should be. It’s even harder because they don’t understand what my life has been for over two years.

Many women who struggle with infertility gain weight. Whether it be from the infertility drugs, the stress, or even both, gaining weight is very common. I never dreamed I would still be childless at this point and so at the beginning of our journey, I just assumed that I would get pregnant and the pounds would just fade into my baby bump. Well, the baby bump still hasn’t happened.. and when someone rubs my belly and asks when I am due..I can’t tell them a day..I’m just fat lady, not pregnant.

I know that one day, I will have a baby to blame for my less-than-flat-tummy. One day, I will be chasing around a little baby and hopefully get back down to a healthier weight. Until then, I’m going to more than likely remain a big girl. Because even though the only thing people see when they look at me is the fact that I’ve gotten fat, I know that the person that I am today is the person that I’ve always wanted to be. Being physically attractive is in no way comparable to being spiritually connected to my Lord and Savior. The skinny me was mean. The skinny me was hateful. The skinny me was going to hell…

The fat me has a loving husband. That fat me has a relationship with God. The fat me is kind, patient, caring. The fat me is who God wanted me to be from the beginning.

So, when I see people from my past and I hear their whispers about how I’ve gained so much weight, I want them to know that in the process, I’ve gained so much more than that! It’s sad that society can’t see past the physical..but I thank God that I’m not here to please the world!

I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

I am His masterpiece.

I am more than enough!

We are all more than enough…

God Bless,

Lauren Ball

Ball Baby #4!!

This morning, at 7:52AM, weighing 6lbs 8oz and measuring 20 1/2 inches long, I became Aunt Lala to another precious baby girl! We wanted so badly to be there this morning, but because I had to take off all last week for our summer youth retreat, I couldn’t get off of work…but it’s ok because I am letting everyone get their turn with her until we get there Friday, because come Friday, ain’t nobody holding that baby but me! She is absolutely beautiful and perfect and I loved her from the moment I saw that first picture…my heart was overwhelmed..

Here is the thing with infertility…when I first found out that my sister-in-law was pregnant again, I cried my eyes out. It broke my heart into a million pieces. Even though that is, seeing that baby’s face this morning made my heart so, so happy. Infertility is a bipolar disease. You will be angry and ecstatic about the exact same thing at times. It’s ridiculous…it really is..

For example, here is the story about when I found out my sister-in-law was pregnant…

Both of my sister-in-laws gave birth at the beginning of 2014, three weeks apart from each other. They both got pregnant with those babies at the same time Jordan and I started trying to have a baby. So, because I was already frustrated that I wasn’t able to get pregnant with them, I waited until after the babies were born to announce that we were trying, thinking that I had plenty of time to get pregnant before either one of them had anymore. Well, I was wrong. When the babies were about 8 months old, my SIL got pregnant with her second baby. They told the entire family at dinner and then my BIL called Jordan that night to tell him the news.

Pregnancy is exciting! It’s something that should be celebrated! But…when you are infertile, it can be heartbreaking when someone close to you gets pregnant..

Jordan and I were both sitting in the living room of our new rental home when his phone rang. I could tell by the cracking in his voice that something wasn’t quite right, so I paused the tv and listened. I could tell it was his brother on the phone and so I got worried that someone had passed away or something really bad had happened….then I heard the words. Jordan asked, as calmly as he could, “So how far along is she?” My heart sank into my stomach. That was the last thing I was expecting to hear that night. Jordan told him congratulations and hung up the phone. He took one look at me and I burst into tears. He followed after me as I ran into the bedroom, sobbing, so that he could comfort me the best way he knew how. He cried with me and held me until I could breathe again.

It’s not fair!!” 

I shouted those words at least 200 times that night. I called my MIL…she answered as if she was waiting by the phone for me to call her. She knew I was hurting and she knew I needed someone to tell me it was going to be ok. Jordan, my MIL, and prayer is what helped me get through that night without having a nervous breakdown.

I tried so hard to be happy for her, I really did. When we would meet up for family events and she mentioned the pregnancy, my eyes would immediately begin to tear up. I’d have to excuse myself from the conversation, or the room for that matter, in order to compose myself. It was a very, very hard situation to deal with..

I was upset about the pregnancy…but more upset that I couldn’t be happy for someone during such an important time. Birth should be celebrated but people have to walk on eggshells around us…that makes me sad. It also makes me sad that people assume that infertile women don’t want to know about what’s going on. We may get a little bummed out and we may get a little jealous, but when you keep us out of the loop, we get even more bummed and upset…like I said, bipolar. I wasn’t happy about the pregnancy because I wasn’t able to experience what she had, not because I didn’t love the baby, or her for that matter! That’s a misconception most people believe. I just wanted it to be my turn..

When it came time to announce the gender, we were one of the first people to find out. That is something that I will forever be thankful for. It was the real turning point in her pregnancy for me emotionally. I began to be more and more comfortable with the idea of another little girl coming along and I began to feel the excitement you are supposed to feel when someone gets pregnant. I was going to have another niece!!

Today, I couldn’t wait to see that little girl and I can’t wait to get home so that I can kiss those sweet little cheeks of hers. She will forever know that I love her and will forever know that I will be here anytime she needs me. Infertility will not keep me from being the best Aunt that little girl has! She is a blessing to our family and I’m so thankful for her.

Even though Jordan and I have stopped trying, I did want to leave this on another happy note. My MIL called us a few days ago and told us about an evangelist who came to her church. He called her out in front of everyone and told her that the people that she has been praying for are about to receive their blessing and have their prayers answered! I don’t know about you guys…but WOW! God knows when to show up and show out, doesn’t he? Please pray for us at this time in our lives and pray that God’s will be done and pray for our faith to trust in His timing.

God is Good…..All The Time!!

God Bless!!

Another Chapter…

Sooo….

A lot has happened in a month…

Jordan went in to find out whether or not he had a varicocele and if it was what was keeping us from starting a family. The words that came from his urologist were, “If it’s a varicocele, I can perform surgery and fix it. If it’s not that, there is nothing I can do.” So basically, we were hoping to God it was something we could fix. Even if the odds of a varicocele surgery actually helping in any way were slim to none, we would have at least found out the reason for what was going on..and we could at least say we did all we could before we moved on to other options.

About a month ago, Jordan went in for the sonogram. During the sonogram, the tech told him she didn’t see anything prominent but she did see something..of course she couldn’t give us a diagnosis but it made us feel better…Jordan called me after and told me the news. We actually might find out what is going on!! Well, his appointment was that next week to go over the results with the urologist. Of course, as fate would have it, the urologist cancelled all appointments because he had jury duty..thanks Obama…

We had to wait another week to find out the results.. so that next Thursday, we got the news. Jordan had a varicocele…but, it was so small and so minuscule that it in no way could be what’s causing the problems Jordan has. In fact, the urologist said the most men have one about the size of what Jordan’s is and they go on to have children. So, basically, if we revert back to what the urologist told us from the beginning…there is nothing he can do to help us. We are dealing with unexplained infertility as of now.

Jordan has made some lifestyle changes..He stopped taking a pre-workout supplement that could be the cause of the problems. He also started taking some vitamins and wearing shorts and boxers more often. We are willing to try it all. He has to go back in September for another SA to see if these changes helped him any. Only time will tell!

But..when I got the news that it wasn’t a varicocele, I was with my mother. I said in my last post that she didn’t know the details of the situation..She knows everything now. She was amazing! She didn’t offer advice. She didn’t get mad or upset. She just asked me what the doctor said about our options, she said if we get to that point that she will help us any way she can, and then proceeded to talk about our future babies as if I didn’t just tell her that It was almost impossible for us to have a child naturally. She was everything that I needed at that moment and I could never thank her enough for it.

So…to sum up my life right now…

1. Jordan and I were told it was almost impossible to have babies naturally.

2. Jordan and I are waiting until September to see if anything improves with his SA results.

3. If nothing changes, we will look into other options next year.

4. As of now, we have stopped “actively” trying for a baby. Why not have some fun in a stressful situation??

5. My mom knows everything and is amazing.

6. We are looking to buy or build a house right now…another stress..

7. I’m content with the path God has placed before me.

Infertility sucks…but I’m not going to let it turn my life or my marriage into something that sucks, too! God will uphold His promises, in due time. Until then, I’m going to occupy my time with other things that I actually can control…

God Bless!!

Little White Lies

I lied…

For a year and a half, I lied about everything..

Opening up to people on this subject just felt like I was telling people what a huge failure I was at something that is supposed to be the most natural and easiest thing in the world to do…

So I lied…

When we first got married, I’ll be the first to admit that Jordan and I had little to nothing to our name. We had a good week if we could afford to buy bread and milk at the same time so having a baby probably would have been difficult for us financially. Did we know this? Absolutely. Did we stop trying? Not at all. We did then, and we will always, trust that God has everything under control. If He blessed us with a child, He would help us provide for that child.

Even though we had faith that everything would work out had we fallen pregnant with such little financial stability, my parents surely did not. It got to the point where my mother would call almost every other day to make sure that I was taking my birth control. She would make comments on how it would not be a good thing if we ended up getting pregnant at the time. I would even make comments that made it seem as if I was pregnant just to see her reaction. You always see these videos of these people finding out they are going to be grandparents and they just start crying and screaming because they are so elated..You never see the videos where the soon-to-be grandparents say, “You better be lying.

I knew that she wasn’t trying to be mean…

You see, my mother had three babies all under three years old. When we were little, she and my dad had almost nothing and they barely got by. Even though I don’t remember a time where I ever had to do without, she does. She has always wanted what is best for me…but she and I are very different in the definition of what “best” is.

Because of this, every week when she asked if I was taking my birth control, I would reply with, “Of course I am.” I had to make it seem as if I thought that it would be ridiculous for me to get pregnant so that she could have a little peace of mind. But every time I lied to her, I felt this severe burden in my heart….

Not because I lied…. but because before my child was even conceived, I felt that it was unwanted..

My other sister-in-laws all had parents who obsessed over the thought of grandkids. They had support from the very beginning of their journeys and they openly announced when they started trying. They got the video-worthy pregnancy announcement that I had always dreamed of. They were all so happy.. and here I was feeling like I was doing something morally wrong because my husband and I were trying to have a baby.

It wasn’t just my parents. Everywhere I turned people were telling me to wait to have kids. They made statements like, “You and Jordan should get to know each other first.” and, “Wait at least a year before bringing in kids because they change everything.”

When I married Jordan, it was for forever. When we were dating, that was when I got to know him. I didn’t just decide to marry someone that I didn’t know. And of course kids change everything! We knew that. We just choose to look at children as blessings rather than a hindrance…I wanted to scream every time I heard these words, but instead, I had to pretend like Jordan and I hadn’t even thought about having kids..I let their comments get to me..

I mean, the decision to have children or not was up to me, my husband, and God….so why was I so worried about what everyone else thought?

Around 10 months into our marriage, I opened up to my husbands sister. I told her we were trying. I didn’t tell her that we had been trying, though..I made it seem as if we had started that very day. I didn’t want her to know we were having problems. I also told my mother and father-in-law we were trying. They were happy for us and It felt nice that someone knew, even if they didn’t know the entire truth. What didn’t feel nice was the fact that I still didn’t feel like I could tell my own mother. I needed her more than anything and I couldn’t tell her..

Jordan and I kept it to ourselves for over a year before I told the very first person that we were having trouble…My OB/GYN. I went into that office with the complete expectation of being told that I was too young to be worrying about having kids and that Jordan and I hadn’t even been married long enough to start trying…but, in my surprise, she was completely comforting throughout the entire thing. Was it because she was a doctor? Probably…but it really helped me feel as if I could at least start opening up a little bit about it.

So I did…

About two months later, I had already done all the blood work to make sure I didn’t have any issues with hormones and what not and I had already had a vaginal ultrasound to make sure that my ovaries were fine and that I was ovulating. The last thing on my checklist before we moved on to checking out Jordan was an HSG (which, by the way, does not feel good). I just knew the reason we couldn’t get pregnant was my fault and I felt in my heart that this HSG was going to tell me that I had blocked fallopian tubes or no uterus or I was actually a man..something horrible!! We decided to leak it to my in-laws that we were having some tests run to make sure things were in working order and we needed their prayers. It was nice knowing that they were praying for me, but being two hours away from home, I really needed someone right there with me to help me through it. I was terrified. The person I decided to share this with was a fellow pastor’s wife.

It just so happened that this procedure fell right around the time that we had to decide to put my dog to sleep because, out of nowhere, he developed a huge cancerous tumor that would cost him his life. I decided to open up with that. She told me that he was just a dog, and let’s face it, they aren’t like children..you can only do so much for them before you start wasting your money..

Wow! The conversation was off to a great start. My dogs are the closest thing I have to kids right now and hearing those words stung every part of my body. I kept on, though, and finished telling her my troubles.

I told her I was terrified and that the test I was having could essentially determine if Jordan and I ever have children. Her words were, “You are still so young. You have plenty of time to have and try for kids.” She then proceeded to go on about how her sister tried forever to have kids and had to adopt a child. She may as well said, “Oh yeah! You think your situation is rough? You don’t know a thing about rough until you’ve been through what (blank) has been through.”

I finally open up…and this is what I get..

I could have let it hold me back, but I didn’t. I went in for that test the next day and found out that I am, indeed, a woman and I do have a uterus..and it works just fine. After receiving those results, we moved a few months later. We began the process of getting Jordan checked out as soon as we got settled in to our new town and our new home. After Jordan’s test results came back, all of my in-laws were up to speed with absolutely everything that Jordan and I had been going through. They were all very supportive of us, as I knew they would be. I still didn’t have my mama though..and after hearing those words from the pastor’s wife, I didn’t think I could bare hearing another negative thing from someone who is supposed to be there for me.

But, I finally did it..

My parents came down to visit and we were sitting in a sushi restaurant when my mom said something about my birth control regimen. I told her it didn’t matter whether or not I took birth control regularly and she asked why that was. I looked her straight in the eyes and told her, “Because I haven’t been on birth control for almost 2 years.” I could see the tears begin to well up in her eyes. It didn’t help that my brother and his wife were also told they would never have children. At that moment, I knew that I would receive the comfort and the support that I so graciously needed from my mother…after all, she’s the best mother in the entire world. I hate keeping things from her. I hated not being able to tell her what was going on.

I still haven’t told her about all the test results and all of the procedures we have had done but she knows that something is wrong. She doesn’t ask, which is great. What matters is that she is there for me and supportive of my decisions to start a family. So supportive, in fact, that she won’t let me do things that may potentially harm my baby if I become pregnant..like get a kitten for example. She also monitors my medications and makes me run baby names by her just to make sure they are up to her standards..which is the kind of thing that I’ve needed for the past two years. She has been my new hope in this whole thing. It’s the best feeling in the world knowing that everyone has your back when the world is completely against you. We’ve opened up to the church about our difficulties and we were prayed over in front of a church full of people from South Ga at a prayer conference. Hundreds of people now know something that I only a few months ago told my own family.

And it feels awesome!

I don’t have to hide behind my struggles and I don’t have to deal with my burdens alone. People from all over are praying for me and my future family and it’s the best feeling in the world. I don’t view this situation as a something that is happening to me anymore..I view it as a future testimony. I love knowing that when I one day hold that beautiful baby in my arms, he or she will go down as a miracle and the answered prayers of hundreds of people. He or she will restore people’s faith from the moment they are conceived! That’s the most amazing part of this whole situation. It’s so obvious now why Satan would make me feel as if I had to keep this secret to myself…

No more little white lies for me…

My eyes are completely focused on the little tiny hands I will one day get to hold that will belong to a little boy or little girl who will know me as their Mommy…

Until then, I will keep the faith..

God Bless

When Life Happens

I have been trying to find the time to sit down and write about what has been happening in my life for the past three weeks now. I have been swamped at work, swamped at church, and just flat out, might-as-well-be-sitting-in-the-creek, swamped! Overwhelmed is most definitely an understatement..

So, now that I’ve finally found a few minutes, I can tell you all that has happened in the past few weeks…

Last Monday was my 2 year wedding anniversary! Jordan bought me a beautiful rose bouquet while I was at work. Later that night, we went down to river street and tried out a new restaurant (that was delicious by the way) and we walked down the river as if it was our very first date. I absolutely love this man. He drives me crazy on more days than I can count…but is it really love if aren’t a little bit out of your mind? Our anniversary turned out to be a pretty great day. But, until the time comes for our little blessing to be here, it will also be the anniversary of this very hard journey we walk on.

I guess that I always knew there would be a problem with us trying to conceive. I had this fear that it wouldn’t be easy from the time we got engaged. While everyone was telling us to wait at least a year into marriage to start trying, we began trying immediately. Our wedding night was day one of our journey…

A few weeks ago I mentioned that Jordan and I got some results that allowed us to take the next step in our process to conceive. We scheduled an appointment with a doctor that my OB recommended us use. The waiting time for that appointment was almost a month…

The day before the appointment I got a phone call about verifying our appointment and I got an email with all of the paper work that needed to be filled out. As soon as I began reading the email, I called my husband and we cancelled the appointment. Another month wasted because we didn’t know exactly what we were getting ourselves into.

You see, no one ever asked us if we were ready to begin IVF or IUI treatments. I feel like that may be something you want to bring up to a person, especially being that each procedure costs up into the thousands of dollars. I thought that the doctor that we were being sent to was someone who specialized in MFI, but no…we were skipping about 8 chapters ahead…we were going right into starting our first round of IUI..

It kind of hurt us to know that our OB felt that their was really no other option for us other than artificial insemination. I mean, are we really not even going to try and figure out the problem first? Even if they don’t work, I’d like to know that we tried everything that we could before taking such a huge step…

I want to point out that I have nothing against anyone who uses IVF or IUI to conceive. If all else fails and Jordan and I have peace within ourselves and with God about it, we aren’t against trying it.

….but as of right now, every time I try and bring it up to my husband, I come across the story of Abraham and Sarah. They were promised a child during an impossible time in their lives, just like we were. Abraham, however, didn’t like God’s timing and he and Sarah took it into their own hands to give Abraham a son…and even though what they did wasn’t of God and it wasn’t what God meant for them, he allowed Hagar to become pregnant anyway. I don’t ever want to take what God has promised me and revise it to fit into my time schedule. I don’t have peace about those procedures as of yet and I know that if I go through with it and become pregnant, I will miss out on something truly amazing that God has planned. Abraham started a war with his impatience…I don’t want to do that…

So… like I said, we cancelled our appointment. They were not happy with us but we weren’t all that thrilled either. We called a local urologist and he was able to squeeze us in the very next week. Jordan was diagnosed with mild MFI so we felt that this was our best option. The urologist told us that Jordan’s numbers weren’t “completely terrible” and that people with those numbers can conceive, it just takes longer. The only real problem is that Jordan’s morphology is at 0% normal, 2% slightly abnormal, and 98% deformed. Those numbers don’t look too great, especially with a slightly low count. He said that he could check Jordan for a varicocele and, if he had one, he could do surgery to fix it and it could possibly help the problem a little bit. If Jordan didn’t have one, we just had to pray for the best and there was really nothing that we could do. Upon examination, the doctor didn’t see anything…which really sucked to hear..

..but he said that sometimes they are higher or harder to see and he had Jordan scheduled for a sonogram by the next day.

During the sonogram, the ultrasound tech told Jordan that she isn’t technically allowed to “diagnose” anything, but from her experience, it looked like he had a few blockages that could be varicoceles. He was scheduled for another appointment on Wednesday, which just so happened to be yesterday, but the nurse called on Monday and told us that the doctor was put on jury duty this week and had to reschedule for next week to go over the results.

It’s as if Satan himself was the one who chose the jury… being patient isn’t something that comes easy after two years…

We will find out next Thursday what our next steps will be and hopefully Jordan can have the surgery needed if it is, indeed, a varicocele. We have to get all of this done by the end of July because Jordan’s current insurance policy ends by then. We are most definitely in a race against time…It’s definitely been a little overwhelming but at least we are getting somewhere!

Even though it’s been one thing after another and I have felt like my chest will explode on multiple occasions, I have to start focusing on the positives or getting through this will nearly impossible. I listened to a Joyce Meyer sermon the other day and it has really helped me appreciate the life that I do have rather than focus on the life that I wish I had. I devote so much time on worrying about the “what ifs” and researching the probabilities of us doing this naturally….what I’ve come to the conclusion of is that we can’t….

We can’t do this on our own… but God can! If we conceive naturally, it will be a miracle…but my God can do the impossible. Living a positive life starts when you make the decision to give your situations and heart aches to God. Why worry so much about something when God is begging us to just hand it over to Him to fix??

I know that dealing with infertility is hard and draining. I know that some days you want to just give up. It’s easy to lose hope and faith in something that is deemed impossible….but just imagine the testimony you will gain when you time finally comes! I have no doubt that God will use my journey to help someone else down the road who has to walk this same path. If God’s plan is to use me to give hope to the hopeless, I will do nothing but praise Him in the storm.

God Bless..